The Aberdeen based company ETZ have announced long awaited details of their proposed development in St Fittick’s Park, Torry. The company has been awarded £53 million in public money for a controversial but as yet unspecified energy development which is set to destroy the highly prized and biodiverse greenspace of St Fittick’s park in the economically deprived area of Torry.
“We have really exciting plans.”
A spokesperson explained.
“We know hydrogen is an expensive, inefficient and potentially dangerous technology liable to explode, so we’ve decided that the most cost effective and efficient way to produce energy to turn into hydrogen is to just burn public money.”
The centrepiece of ETZ’s proposal is a giant “money pit” which will incinerate public money and convert the energy into hydrogen fuel. ETZ chairman, renowned Aberdeen-based oil billionaire and Tik Tok free-style Doric rap sensation Sirian Woodenhead elaborated:
“We’ve realised that government money is an excellent renewable resource. The people of Scotland keep working, they pay the government, and the government gives the money to us. And we burn it.”
The proposal was welcomed by the Scottish Government. First Minister Humza Yousaf stated:
“During a cost of living crisis where many Scottish people are struggling to feed themselves and their families, we feel it’s a fantastic use of public money to give it to a billionaire to literally set it on fire. It’s all part of the circular economy. We call it an “SNP circle”: it’s like a circle but has a chunk taken out where the elite cream money off the government and destroy vital life giving greenspaces for local residents. Y’know, a circle.”
According to Sirian Woodenhead the development is set to be beneficial for Aberdeen and the local economy:
“We’ll send the hydrogen energy out to the off-shore oil rigs so that oil workers can toast their burritos. We’ve been hearing reports of soggy burritos on the rigs, which we believe is the most pressing issue facing the oil industry and the wider Aberdeen economy at the moment.”
The plans are set to create jobs and help local wildlife:
“We believe the development will be fantastic for employment in Torry. We’re aware that St Fittick’s park is currently the most biodiverse area in Aberdeen for bird species so we’re going to train the ducks and moorhens and warblers to drop notes into the money pit. We also anticipate it will create at least two jobs for residents: one to turn the crank on the money pit and one to stand guard and keep the locals off our land with a pellet gun.”
He continued:
“Locals are of course also welcome to come and warm their hands at the government-sponsored, neo-capitalist, unjust-transition-led giant money pyre in the depths of winter. But they’ll have to pay. These technologies aren’t cheap.”