Today, Aberdeen City Cooncillors may have met to decide the fate of the beloved St Fittick’s Park in the economically deprived area of Torry, which is at risk of industrial development. The discussion was not open to the public, though one cooncillor let slip that it may pertain to the lease of the land by the cooncil to potential developers, Energy Transition Zone (ETZ), a subsidiary of Death Star PLC. The cooncillor stated:
“It’s a very top secret and commercially sensitive matter. We have to protect the interests of our business overlords… I mean business, eh, friends. I shouldn’t even know what we discussed. Aberdeen City Cooncil are working on a memory erasing device like the ones they used in the film Men in Black so we can zap each other after cooncil sessions to make sure none of us compromise the absolute sacrosanct business interests of ETZ.”
The cooncillor then added “I’ve said too much!” before running away muttering that chair of ETZ, oil billionaire Sirian Woodenhead was FaceTiming him.
The cooncil co-lead SNPEEPEE Cooncillor Piston Mallard explained that holding meetings about the fate of a public greenspace with immense biodiversity and public health benefits behind closed doors was just a normal procedural matter:
“We can’t let the public listen to anything that involves commercial sensitive numbers. 1 for instance, that’s a commercially sensitive number. We can’t risk the public hearing that number. Also 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…”
Cooncillor Mallard proceeded to count to 25645. Cooncillor Mallard also stated that he reconsidered recusing himself from any vote on the park because his surname “Mallard” constitutes a conflict of interest with the fate of the many ducks who currently live in the St Fittick’s Parks environmentally beneficial wetlands.
“I want to show the people of Aberdeen that cooncillors only care about their interests. Just because my surname is Mallard does not mean I am in the pocket of Big Duck. In fact, I don’t even like ducks. As far as I am concerned ducks are impeding progress and the building of, eh, something… on the park. It involves reversing climate change with giant magnets. I’ve said too much! Oh, excuse me, Siriain Woodenhead is FaceTiming me.”
In other news, Aberdeen City Cooncil has launched their “Democracy! Yeah!” campaign to encourage citizens to take part in local democratic processes. A spokesperson stated “To have their say, all citizens have to do is lower themselves through a trapdoor in the cooncil chamber roof, navigate some lasers and answer a riddle set by the resident cooncil troll. The slogan is ‘Navigating Aberdeen’s Local Democracy: the Real Mission Impossible!’”