At a hearing for planning permission in principle to build on the much-loved greenspace St Fittick’s Park in Torry lawyers for the company Energy Transition Zone (ETZ) told the cooncil planning committee to ignore planning law and ethical principles and make the decision based on “vibes”. The law firm representing ETZ, Sleekit, Swickem and Jouk have previously represented Death Star PLC in their bid to bring a just transition to the planet Alderaan in a galaxy far far away and Mr Burns from the Simpsons when he opted to implement innovative zero carbon technologies through blocking out the sun with a giant disk to control energy in the town of Springfield. A Mr JR of Dallas previously employed their services but is rumoured to have parted ways because of his concerns about the law firm’s lack of scruples.
A representative from Sleekit, Swickem and Jouk expressed their position to the council: “Are you going to listen to the local community when they whinge about the destruction of greenspace, biodiversity and a much-needed amenity for the physical and mental health of people in an economically deprived area? Are you going to listen to the Scottish Environmental Protection Agency when they say St Fittick’s Park is a flood zone and so legally can’t be built on under the National Planning Framework 4? Or are you going to listen to me, a person who is being paid your whole yearly salary to sit here for two hours talking to you idiots, can tell the difference between a merlot and a malbec based purely on the sound the glasses make when you cheers to the destruction of the planet and got a first in law at Cambridge, despite being real cool and playing Anne in the Player’s Society’s production of Anne of Green Gables, goddamn it!”
The lawyer went on to explain the case behind the planning permission in principle application: “Building a factory on the park to manufacture some sort of renewable energy blah blah blah will create 9 million jobs in Torry alone. This figure is based on a very scientific and sound methodology: we asked the intern Alex to stand in a corner counting out loud for two months and this is the number he got to. This is the standard job creation estimation methodology used in the just transition industry, called “intern standing counting” or ISC for short. We paid a consultant doctor to carry out a health impact assessment that produced the result we wanted, I mean, produced like a really good, objective result, that just happened to support our position. The guy did health impact assessments for Shell, during the time of the massive oil spill in the Niger Delta, so he is scrupulous AF. Now, all that stands in the way of ETZ’s evil masterplan to destroy the park, correction, renewable and clean masterplan to destroy the park, is you cooncil chumps. You wouldn’t want to get sued for not approving it would you? Good vibes people, good vibes only.”If you would like to oppose ETZ and their meanie-pants schemes to destroy St Fittick’s Park you can send a letter to Aberdeen City Cooncil through this link. There will be a rally starting outside Marischal College on 7th November to let the cooncil know that they’re nae getting awa wi’ it this time.