The UK and Scottish Governments have been left with embarrassingly little to show for all their investment into Aberdeen’s so called “Energy Transition Zone” in Torry, Aberdeen. The UK Government gave £9.3m to Vattenfall and at least £3m to ERM Dolphyn. The Scottish Government has committed £15m over the next 5 years to a BP project in the area. It would appear ERM Dolphyn and Vattenfall have pulled out and the final decision on the BP project has been delayed.
Scottish Government explained they found out about the companies’ withdrawal when they left the “Aberdeen Energy Capital of Europe” WhatsApp group. A spokesperson stated:
“It was cold, man. At first when I saw the notification “Energy Resources Management (ERM) have left the chat” I thought maybe the CEO of Dolphyn Hydrogen and partner in ERM Steve Matthews had just lost his phone or something or was getting a new number. Then Swedish energy giant Vattenfall left, then BP. Not even a goodbye. I sent them a GIF of a chihuahua looking sad, but nothing.”
Another spokesperson for the Scottish Government expressed regret at the situation:
“It’s, like, so cringe. The companies just took all our money and gave it to their shareholders. We probs should’ve made them sign a contract or something before giving them shit-tonnes of taxpayers’ money. Hindsight is 20/20, eh?”
A spokesperson for one of the energy companies explained the reasoning for their withdrawal:
“We enjoyed our time in Aberdeen. But the Mayor of Grimsby has made an even bigger offer for generating renewables from burning snakeoil. The snakeoil renewables market is huge right now, we think it’s going to be even bigger than hydrogen.”
The news came as even more of a shock to the chairman of the Energy Transition Zone Ltd company who was a key instigator of the development, Sirian Woodenhead. Sirian said in a tearful press statement.
“I should’ve known something was wrong when nobody showed up to our monthly “Bad Boys of Renewable Energy” karaoke session. We harmonise to Lady Gaga over Zoom and drink flirtinis. I had practiced my part in the Grease classic Summer Lovin’ so many times, but Vattenfall CEO Anna Borg never joined to be Danny to my Sandy.”
The so-called “Energy Transition Zone” involves a controversial proposal to industrialise the last remaining greenspace in the economically deprived area of Torry: St Fittick’s Park. Sirian Woodenhead clarified that the plan to destroy the park remains in place despite these setbacks in the business case:
“We feel like we should really follow through on ripping up the park. I think if we back out now and leave the park as a haven for nature and the people of Torry we would really lose face. We can’t let that happen.”