A planning application was submitted to Aberdeen City Council for the demolition of the home of oil magnate and chairman of the controversial Energy Transition Zone (ETZ) company Sirian Woodenhead. Sirian, also nicknamed “the French Fancier” for his expertise in baking Fondant French Fancies, for which he received his knighthood, is involved in a proposal to demolish St Fittick’s Park in the deprived area of Torry to make way for an industrial zone for an as yet unspecified energy generation project, which has received strong local opposition.
The proposal to demolish Sirian’s house was made by Torry resident and former Aberdeen City Council candidate Helena Torry. Ms Torry explained that the creation of a new park on Sirian Woodenhead’s property could compensate for the loss of St Fittick’s Park:
“The ETZ want to take the last greenspace in Torry, which has been ravaged for decades by industrial development. St Fittick’s park is currently a lifeline for Torry residents, in terms of their access to greenspace and their mental health. The park is an invaluable site for migratory birds and the wetlands decontaminate waste coming from nearby industrial areas. ETZ pledged to only demolish a third of the park, so I propose that this be compensated by demolishing a third of Sirian Woodenhead’s house and converting the site into a park instead.”
Ms Torry’s proposal includes bussing Torry residents from their homes to the newly created park which has been provisionally titled the “Sirian Woodenhead Gives Back Recreational Greenspace”. The East Tullos Burn, which is home to many wetland species, will be diverted, and signs will be placed for migratory birds to follow from St. Fittick’s park to Sirian Woodenhead’s home.
“And if the birds do get lost we think they’ll just follow the sound of Sirian Woodenhead rolling in £20 notes and cackling as he contemplates his legacy of environmental destruction and further damaging the quality of life of marginalised people in Aberdeen.”
The park will include an elaborate display of beech hedges sculpted and spray painted to resemble the iconic French Fancy treat, in Sirian’s signature shade of pastel coral. There are also plans to bring tourists from the cruise ships visiting the new Aberdeen harbour to experience the park.
“We’ll demolish the middle third of Sir Ian’s house because we want the tourists to be able to see him in his natural habitat: on a sedan chair carried by orphans and puppies, eating his breakfast of endangered swift’s eggs, in his pants.”
Ms Torry explained that Sirian was welcome to object to the planned demolition of his house and suggested that the most fruitful way to do this would be to reverse plans to destroy St Fittick’s Park.
“We would like Aberdeen City Council, ETZ, the Harbour Board and Enterprise Scotland to respectfully get their hauns affa Torry and let the community have its greenspace.”
She went on to call plans for the park’s development “half baked”: lacking a clear strategy or business case, unlike Sirian’s French Fancies, which she conceded were usually baked to fluffy perfection.
The park will be open to the public 6am-11pm all year round.